Archive for the ‘Drunk’ Category

A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”

His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.

-Bobby

About these ads

(6 single WOO Girls) + (47 sugary shooters) = me the bartender spending an extra hour after my shift cleaning up their puke

-Tom

I had a woman order a shot of “Jose Swerve-Oh”…..Then proceed to tell me about her 3 DUIs

-April

Last New Years Eve a guy trying to impress two chicks ordered three bottles of our most expensive champagne ($600 a bottle) and paid on card. He asked us to open all three, then changed his mind and asked us to keep two open bottles in the fridge for later and then took one over to the ladies who were all over him like a rash.

He was already so drunk that he forgot about the other two bottles. At the end of the night, he took one of girls home and left without reminding us of the other bottles.

So, not wanting to waste any champagne, my two bar buddies and I proceeded to drink two magnums (seeing as they were already paid for) whilst cleaning up the bar and had a great night. Never saw the guy again, but THANKS, YOU MADE OUR NIGHT.

-David

Bartender at an Applebees: One night this total redneck (long hair, scruffy beard) comes in, sits at the bar, and after i give him a few beers i notice he’s annihilated (must have been drinking before) so i cut him off. He’s not happy with this but rules are rules so whatever. Anyways I go to the bathroom and on the way back hear the barback, who was this tiny girl, yelling at him to stop. He has gone behind the bar and is trying to pry the cash register open with a spoon. I confront him and tell him to knock it off or i’m calling the cops, and he says “GO AHEAD, CALL THE FUCKING COPS… ITS A FREE COUNTRY.” So i phone the police and they show up about 5 minutes later.

So the cops show up (at this point he was back on the other side of the bar) and ask him for his ID. “ID, YOU WANT TO SEE MY ID?” he yells, and takes off his wife beater. He’s got an enormous tattoo of a bald eagle with the american flag behind it on his chest, and he points to it and yells at the cops “THERES MY FUCKING ID! THAT GOOD NUFF FOR YAH! USA USA (he seriously started chanting that.)” So the cops promptly walk him out, in hand cuffs.

-Chris

I work as a barback/busser in a campus pub. One night we had a traffic light party (Wear red if you’re taken, yellow if it’s complicated, green if you’re single) and it was getting pretty damn sloppy. So I’m clearing glasses off tables, and there’s this girl with two guys on either side of her with their arms around her shoulders (and not to mention massive knockers…).

Cool as a cucumber, one of the guys leans over and says “So how do you feel about getting Eiffel Tower’d tonight?”

-Tommy

I bartend at a popular bar in Vegas. Lemme tell you about bachelorette parties. It’s always a bunch of cock-hungry, belligerently drunk shreiking she-beasts groping anything that looks remotely like a penis. Seriously, if guys acted the same way towards females they would be done for sexual assault. 9/10 times the toilets will end up clogged and at least 2 women will talk your ear off for 20 minutes how much of an asshole her boyfriend/husband/booty call is, then attempt to stroke your face and take you to their hotel room whilst throwing up over themselves.

Tips are generally good though.

-Brock

I am a waitress at Hooters. One day a guys softball team came in and had already been drinking, and they all decided to get even more plastered. One guy said he would give me a $100 tip if he could drink beer out of my sneaker. I asked the manager if it was OK and he said go for it. So I took off my dainty sneaker and he chugs some bud lite out of it with the whole restaurant cheering him on. He THEN proceeds to exclaim “I’ll drink beer out of any shoe in this place!” My manager gets an evil glint in his eye and goes to the back where there’s been this one loan size 13 sneaker that’s been kicking around for months.

It’s been caked in raw chicken wing juices and flour, and is totally crusty and disgusting. He presents it to the patron and says “here ya go…”. Again, the entire restaurant starts cheering him on. My manager fills up the shoe and waits as this guy stares down the shoe for a good 3 minutes (during this time the beer is hydrating and reconstituting all that caked on goodness btw) before finally pounding it down. Everyone cheers and claps, while they’re around the table, right as this dude pukes all over the table! ewww!!!! He was so embarrassed he took off. Luckily one of the other guys at the table was really cool about it and ended up giving me $40 extra on top of the 20% tip for the table.

-Nicole

I used to work at a bar, and in this bar we hosted poker tournaments at night, generally getting about 120 people through the door. The problem we had was that poker ran from 12am-4am. People would show up for poker and start drinking at 7. While generally everyone was pretty well behaved, we once had a huge roided up bloke come in to play. Getting towards the middle of the tournament, and there’s only 40 or so players left.

Roidasaurus Rex comes to the bar and asks for a drink, and I have to decline him service (In Australia, serving alcohol to an obviously intoxicated person can result in the server copping a $5500 fine). He walks back to his table, and continues playing. 10 minutes later he starts screaming at someone across the table, security show up and he picks up the edge of the poker table and flips it into the air, then he charges at the nearest security guard. It was a pretty vicious fight but security eventually got him under control and into a cop car. Roids and booze dont mix.

-Mic