Posts Tagged ‘food drinks’

A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”

His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.

-Bobby

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Me: “Will you be having dessert this evening?”

Old Man: “I was going to ask for sex but I assume that isn’t on the menu….is it?”

Me: “Just a minute, I’ll ask our 6’5″ chef Hugo if he’s got any in the back.”

-Kylie

A “guest” walks up to the host stand with a plate of mostly eaten fries in her hand.

Woman: (rudely interrupting the hosts helping another guest) ‘Scuse me!! My waitress is “too busy” to come help our table
Host: What can we do for you, ma’am?
Woman: My fries is cold. I need new ones

Mind you, the woman was STILL chewing on fries

Host: (confused as to what to do) Well, let me find your server because we may need to charge you for a new side.
Woman: You ain’t charging me for no new fries!! These was cold. I ain’t satisfied

At this point, I step in to aid the obviously confused/annoyed hosts

Me: Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?
Woman: (again, rudely) She ALREADY helping me.
Me: Oh, well, why don’t you tell me where you are sitting and I can bring you a new plate of fresh, hot fries
Woman: I don’t know where the fuck my table is! I don’t know the number!!
Me: OK, well, how about you SHOW me where your table is so we can bring you those fries
Woman: You can come find me! Ima look the same sittin’ down!

-Tommy

I made a post about business lunches a couple of days ago. I got fed up! Today this pompous prick came in again, sat in my section again, and was a douche bag again. So when he paid with his credit card I came back to the table and said, “sorry sir but your card was declined.” He demanded that I try it again. To which I replied, “Sorry but I ran it 3 times.” He got super flustered and one of his associates picked up the tab. I hope he learned a lesson!

-Brad

I had a lady complain that her salad was too cold, and now she had to let it sit and warm up before she could eat it. WTF!?

-Bert

So this guy comes in to the bar wearing the worst wig I’ve ever seen. Like blow dried road kill. His head looks like one of those organic eggs that still has a feather on it.

I try my best not to look at it, but it’s practically growling at me. I say ‘Hello’. I take his drink order. I make his drink. I ring it up on the register, and without even noticing I say to him, “Okay sir, would you like to pay now or to pay later.”

-Ross

I just watched a lady pour like 20 Splednda packets into her iced tea then ask me for, “more Splenda….Like alot more….”

-Barbie

Excuse me…how spicy is your spicy jambalaya? How am I supposed to know how to answer that question? Dumbass. Do you like white bread? Do you like a thick coat of mayonnaise? If you answered yes to those two questions and are concerned about the degree of spice in the SPICY jambalaya then order oatmeal and get out of my face with your stupid question.

-Sarah