An actual question:
“Ummmm excuse me miss! Does your artichoke dip have artichokes in it??”
Ugh I hate this conversation……
Customer: “uuuhh excuse me gurl, can I axe you a question?”
Me: “Yes ma’am?”
Customer: “If I was to be orderin my Long Island iced tea wif light ice dats means I get more alcohol rightttt?”
Me: (what I am thinking) “No you don’t get any more fucking alcohol you cheap asshole, and go tell all your ghetto friends that isn’t how it works anywhere on the fucking planet, we don’t just replace water with booze!”
(What I said) “No sorry ma’am the drink will be served in a smaller glass”
How do you gracefully cut off your own mother when she has had too much to drink…Bartender problems.
I’m a chef that works at a casino (multiple food outlets) any ways one of the outlets is a buffet. We get some of the worst penny pinching people I have ever met in my entire life.
This one guy comes in every Saturday lunch with a group of lackeys. He is a short fat balding man who wears a god awful tupe. Any ways its a buffet as I mentioned and the food offerings change daily, nut without fail he will come up and request a heap of food we don’t have. Piss off all the waitresses and send his food back, or try to get it comped.
He also does this thing where he gets up and fills a plate of food to the absolute fucking top and then asks it to be wrapped in foil. So i pop out to my head chef and tell him whats going on and he says “oh hes been doing it for years apparently its for his son, who is sick.”
This guys been doing this for years YEARS. should of seen him the day they told him he had to stop taking free food home. Never seen a double chin wobble so hard.
A lady once threw a tea-spoon at me because she wanted me to refill her iced tea.
However, she didn’t notice I had already filled her glass when I walked past her table. She must have been too busy horking down a veal parmesan the size of a hubcap in front of her.
When I walked up and asked her why she felt the need to throw a hard, metal object at me to get my attention, she said: “I need you to fill my…” (looks down) “…oh. You must ha– … huh… nevermind.”
As I was walking to get my manager, I heard her hiss at her husband, “No, I’m not going to apologize to A WAITER!”
Me: “Hey, how are you doing this evening?”
Customer: “Bud Light”
I’ve never felt “Bud Light” before, but it doesn’t sound pleasant.
I worked at an all night diner next to a string of bars. Once I had a drunk guy throw a hot plate of spaghetti at me and it hit its target, my face. I was so mad that while my face was blistering I didn’t even notice. I looked over at the manager and he just shot me one of those “Fuck it” looks. So I chased the guy out of the joint and down the street where he stumbled and fell to the ground face first knocking out a few of his front teeth and fucking up his lip pretty good. I wanted so badly to just beat the shit out of him but several of the regulars had followed us out into the street and stopped me before I could touch him. Definitely for the best. The guy ended up getting booked for whatever the label attached to being drunk and throwing hot spaghetti sauce onto a server and then running out on your check. Not to mention the medical bills that followed.
A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”
His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.
Me: “Will you be having dessert this evening?”
Old Man: “I was going to ask for sex but I assume that isn’t on the menu….is it?”
Me: “Just a minute, I’ll ask our 6’5″ chef Hugo if he’s got any in the back.”