The 16 Drunk Girls at The Bar

The Over-Emotional One:

Everything that comes out of her mouth usually starts with “I just,” “I feel,” “I need” or “I want,” which is followed by something ludicrous that happened five years ago. “I just feel like you hate me ever since I barfed in your purse junior year.” She finds something to cry about every time you go out, her smoky eye makeup streaming down her face like wet paint.

2a99s2s

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The “It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere” Girl:

She doesn’t care what time it is, what she’s doing or where she’s at – she is always down to drink. She’s the girl who pre-games the pre-game to the pre-game, bongs every beer and cures her hangovers with mimosas.

5oclocksomewhere

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The Blackout:

Don’t invite this girl out for drinks at Applebee’s on a Tuesday night, because it won’t end well. When it comes to drinking, it’s all-or-nothing for this girl; sipping casually on a glass of wine isn’t an option. She’s the one who gets kicked out of the bar, loses her sixth spare key of the week in the sewage grate and resorts to passing out in the quad. And yet, somehow, the girl is miraculously never hungover in the morning. Usually, she’s just still drunk.

blackout

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The Cheater:

Apparently her boyfriend doesn’t exist whenever she is within 500 feet of a bar past 11 p.m.

cheater

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The Clumsy One:

She never listens when you tell her heels aren’t a good idea. Just look for her on Monday; she’ll be the one who shows up to class in a sling and a walking cast.

clumsy

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The Dancing Machine:

It’s all fun and games until this girl shows up on the dance floor. You’re having a great time re-enacting the Napoleon Dynamite dance with your friends, then this girl clears the way and starts doing sexy pirouettes. She drops it so low you start to question if she’ll even make it back up.

dancing

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The Disappearing Act:

You look away for one second and she’s gone. Drunk girls are always losing friends, and our poor judgment of time leaves us ready to round up a search team.  “Where is Kelly? She went to the bathroom 10 minutes ago. I think she’s dead.”

dissipearingact

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The One Who Doesn’t Give a Sh*t:

Don’t ask her to grab drinks when you want to whine about your boyfriend. Sure, she’ll listen, but she doesn’t care. She’s just there for the booze. Although, she is the perfect one to call when you just broke up with your boyfriend and you need to hate the world for a minute. She’ll drink you into stupidity and leave you throwing your middle finger in the air.

dontgiveashit

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The Drunk Dialer:

All seven of your Saturday morning voicemails are always from this girl. Most of them are of her thinking she is actually having a conversation with you. “You are the best friend ever. Like literally ever. You are so perfect, I just want to make out with your face.” Without these girls, how would we know that we have friends who love us at 2:30 in the morning?

drunkdialer

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The Flirt:

Everything (and anything) with a pulse flocks to this girl when she’s in the bar. She could be on the verge of a severe blackout and still look adorable. She has perfected the drunk pout and can get you a free drink in three seconds flat by batting her fake eyelashes at the bartender. Be careful of this girl, though; those fake eyelashes might bat so hard that even your boyfriend will be drawn to her.

flirt

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The “I’m Not Even That Drunk” One:

She’s a really good liar… or so she thinks. This girl is like a one-woman circus, spending half of her night downing shots and the other half doing back handsprings trying to prove that she’s “not even that drunk.” Sometimes it is actually believable for a minute… until she doesn’t land that back handspring well and crashes into the DJ booth.

notevendrunk

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The One-Drink Wonder:

It’s like the calm before the storm: she’s the adorably innocent girl who sits with her legs crossed tighly at the bar, then throws back one Mike’s Hard and is three sheets to the wind. Part of us wishes we could still get drunk off of one wine cooler, and the other part of us wishes she would stop telling everyone in the bar about Fancy, her miniature poodle with cataracts who is basically her hero.

onedrink

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The Puker:

Every. Single. Time. You start to create a point system for this girl: 10 points if she makes it in the trash can, 20 if she makes it in the toilet. 50 points if she manages to put her hair up by herself first

puker

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The Scrappy One:

Whatever you do, do not piss this girl off. Just don’t. She will take her earrings out, start talking with her hands and rip your heart and soul out. The only case in which this type of drunk girl is good to have around is when you are the one she is fighting for. If she’s fighting you… run.

scrappy

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The Super Sexual One:

Whiskey, vodka, beer, wine, rum, tequila… it all makes her frisky. She’s the one who runs into her biology TA at the bar and climbs on his lap, bragging about how “flexible” she is and that she would love to show him sometime. The worst part is that the poor girl is always mortified the next morning.

sexual

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The Shrieker:

After four vodka tonics, her voice gets three octaves higher and everything gets SUPER EXCITING!!! Every song that comes on is “her jam,” and she’s gonna let everyone know. Oh, and also, she hasn’t seen you in “SOOOOOOOO long!!!!”

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Comments
  1. librarylady says:

    I used to have dorm mates who were examples of all of these. The worst were the ones who didn’t remember a thing from the night before until their friends began to fill them in and then they wanted to kill themselves. Thankfully I don’t drink so will never have this enlightening experience.

  2. Anonymous says:

    nice

  3. Thanks for following my blog! I will check yours out as well! :)

  4. Tom Levier says:

    Great list. I always love when the Scrappy One picks a fight with the biggest guy in the bar then expects her boyfriend to step in and kick some ass. Usually her boyfriend is the type who has never fought in his life

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